locked In
by RedHeadShenanigans
Summary: Destiel - Dean is trapped in his own mind. Cas wants to speak to him. Micheal has a price... A kiss Angst smut MATURE EXPLICIT
1. Chapter 1

Dean had been pacing around in his skull for weeks. It was exhausting.

At first, he'd fought and struggled but now he spent most of his time in here. Watching Michael 'experience' life was, well mostly boring. Sometimes it was disturbing, so they'd come to an agreement that Dean would just hang out here, his mind flashed back to the loofah incident and he shuddered.

So, he had retreated to a mental version of the bunker and Michael didn't bother him. Occasionally he went rooting for weakness in the angels' form but so far, no luck.

Today was like any other, Dean hadn't slept and that was since he'd been trapped in here. To fill the time he'd been speaking to versions of Sam, Cas and Bobby in his mind and it kept him sane.

Cas's voice was a whisper at first and Dean thought he'd imagined it, heart racing when he realised that Cas was there with Michael. Panic consumed him. The path to the archangel's eyes, his eyes was like a spiral staircase and he bolted, moving faster than he had in weeks. Dean filtered back into his body and hated the feeling. It was like squeezing into clothes that already had someone in them. He couldn't speak through his mouth, couldn't move his body, and couldn't yell at Cas to get outta dodge before Michael tore him a new hole.

He was, helpless.

Dean observed the scene before him; Cas and Jack were standing there in the motel room, negotiating with Michael. Dean did the only thing he could; he watched and begged Michael not to hurt them.

"I warn you, Jack has regained his grace and we are not defenceless," Cas said firmly.

Jack just stood there scowling, his eyes brighter than usual which meant he was close to the edge.

"Where is the other one?" Michael asked, "Samuel?"

"That is none of your concern," Cas replied.

"Very well. What exactly do you want?" the archangel asked,

"We want Dean back."

They were slapped with a laugh in response, it was dry and sarcastic.

"Well that is, how do they say here, ah yes…Over my dead body." He smiled and it was twisted, an awful thing that drained the colour from Cas's face. Dean didn't know Cas could go that shade of white. "But, if you insist…"

"No, stop," Jack yelled, Cas just stood there looking ill.

Dean could see blood and was certain it was his, what had Michael done to him?

"Do you know how loud Dean Winchester is screaming inside his own mind?" Michael taunted the men but looked bored.

"Be quiet." Cas breathed out between gritted teeth.

"Do you know what he thinks about in the deep dark recesses of his mind?" the archangel moved towards Cas.

"Stop." Said Jack, "that's close enough."

"I won't harm him Nephilim, not any of you"

"Why?" Cas asked, confused.

"Because brother; Dean and I made a deal. He is pliant and I leave you three and whoever else he puts on his little list, alone. Dean makes the vessel strong, and so I placate him by letting you, people, be. I don't like the buzzing he makes when he's upset, it's, for lack of a better word, annoying."

The Archangel was elegant and menacing. Cas and Jack exchanged a look and they seemed to relax a touch.

Dean was pacing behind his own eyes, what the hell were they doing here?

Michael moved closer to Cas, he was inches away from the angel now and Dean flinched, not trusting Michaels intentions one bit.

"Castiel, I know why you're here," Michael spoke as he pulled away. The casual pacing around the room was a disarming technique, Michael wanted to talk and that was dangerous.

"I just told you why." Cas's sarcasm was ignored by the Archangel.

"No, you told me what you wanted, which I am willing to give you- fleetingly of course." Dean could see the hope in Cas's face.

"No", he screamed, knowing it was a trap. Whatever the price was it'd be too high.

"Let's say, 3 minutes." Michael picked up one of Sam's knives and played with it like it was a toy.

"I'll give you three minutes to speak to Dean."

"Why would you do that?" Jack asked as Cas seemed to be in shock.

"I want you to listen to what I have to say first."

"How do we know you'll keep your word," Cas asked.

"I can bind it," Jack said out of the blue, confusion filtering over his face.

"How?"

"I don't know, I just know I can."

"Fine, I will allow it one condition, that you hear me, I ask that you don't interrupt until I'm done and only then will I release Dean to speak to you."

Cas stretched his palm out and Dean saw Michael do the same.

Jack placed his hands over theirs, the glow that came was pure and white, both angels turned away as Jack whispered,

"As it was agreed, and so it shall be or death will reap the defalcator."

Dean felt a shudder in the angel's grace, whatever Jack had done was solid, permanent.

Heart pounding at the realisation, he was going to be able to speak but what price would they pay for his moment of freedom?

Dean knew Michael; he wasn't like the other monsters they'd fought. The cunning was in his truth. He would pick at their emotions until they were raw and then he'd just keep on going.

Michael, cleared his throat, "May I begin?"

Cas nodded, rigid, waiting for the betrayal. It never came.

"I will ask again. Castiel, how well do you know Dean?"

"I don't see what this has to…"

"Please, as part of our agreement, humour me?"

"He's family," Cas replied looking sad.

"Do you know what Dean thinks about in this tiny little mind of his?"

Hey, thought Dean, you wanna live inside me you asshole.

Dean felt Michael's grin and heard his voice as it echoed, 'just wait Dean, just you wait'

Not good, Dean thought.

"Pie and whiskey?" Sarcasm leached from Cas as he answered, Dean was kinda proud.

Michael laughed, "Oh poor Castiel, how wrong you are." picking lint from his coat,

"Dean, shall we tell Castiel a few, truths?"

Dean went cold, oh god, this was not happening.

"Do you know much about humans? Because I know a lot, I know what hurts them, what heals them, what drives their tiny little lives." He breathed deeply.

"It's actually a hobby of mine. I got bored at being confused with their constant hypocrisy and decided to study them. Father loved them so much and I wanted to see what he saw."

Cas shifted on his feet, not sure where this was going but certain he wasn't going to like it.

"There are a few things that drive them; the first are their base desires. Food, lust…you get my meaning. The rest is complex and actually somewhat interesting, father did well in creating these endless puzzles for us to play with, sadly it's lost on most of my siblings."

"They're not…"

"Don't interrupt me Castiel," Michael added, his tone was light, bored and it was terrifying.

Michael's hands played with a book as he said, "Secrets…Secrets are the keys to the human soul. They push them, drive them and they also destroy them."

"Secrets?" Jack asked, intrigued.

"Yes. The best way to understand these things is through their secrets. Let's take Dean, for example. Dean was raised a hunter, by a father obsessed with a dead wife."

Dean was shaking inside his head, enraged.

"Do you know what John Winchester did to his eldest son, with all of that aggression and need?" Michael changed books.

"He caused a conflict. He caused what the humans call 'emotional damage'. Dean was kind, caring and full of love but his father twisted it into something fractured."

He paced, flicking at the pages of the book.

"Dean could have been a lot of things but his parent's actions broke him. He can't love people that aren't family because they can choose to leave him and before they can do so, he always finds a reason to leave them. Had you noticed? "

"He's a hunter…" Cas added knowing that's what Michael wanted.

"Yes, and a good one, I've spent a lot of time with him Castiel and I can appreciate Dean's talents."

The pauses were annoying but clearly, he was trying to make a point, he was in no rush.

"…but the hunt is an excuse." Michael waved his hand flippantly, and started again, "Dean can't settle with someone weak, someone that needs protecting because he's always been the protector and ultimately…well, it leaves him- shall we say, dissatisfied, irritated, stressed…take your pick"

Dropping the book he lifted a flyer.

"…and he can't be with a hunter because, well they remind him of mommy."

Cas looked confused.

"So Castiel, what is a boy to do?"

Dean was confused as all hell and feeling nauseous, nothing the archangel had said was a lie, he did feel that way…shit he was so fucked up.

"Dean loves his family." Cas's words were soft, strained.

"Yes, Dean adores his family. He would kill for them, die for them…he's in here right now begging for you to leave so that he can keep you safe."

Cas took a deep and shuddering breath.

"But, I wonder…and I'm just theorising here…" Michael turned his fingers, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Do you really understand why Dean has never settled down?"

"You just said, didn't you? Is that what you want? I know Dean won't give up hunting to be happy because he's not selfish, he's brave and kind…"

"You're not wrong Castiel." Michael interrupted him and Cas looked shocked again. "What I want you to see is the reason, why…"

"I don't understand…"

"Are you really that ignorant?" the Archangel posed.

Cas didn't know what to say..

"If Dean can't love someone, what's the word he uses- ah yes, a 'civilian'? If he can't love someone who is not a hunter because they may leave, they may die, may get hurt…"

He paused to gauge Cas's reaction.

"And, if he can't be with a hunter because of his mommy issues…and the only people in his life that are strong, loving and capable around him are related to him biologically…"

"Sam and John…" Cas added.

"Yes. Who can Dean love romantically?" Michael pondered, "Knowing the human psyche Castiel, knowing that they reach for love like a lifeline, do you think Dean would ever be whole without a partner? Someone to love as an equal?"

Dean was panting now, pacing in his own mind.

"Please, Michael, please don't do this he begged", this would destroy his world.

In that moment, Dean understood this is what he wanted, to alienate Deans people, his friends, his family.

"Dean has a secret Castiel. Dean's secret is so large, so hidden that I had to ferret it out from the most repressed place I've ever seen in a human psyche." Michael laughed, "He has been pushed so far into the archetype. He's been moulded so much by his father and by their trips to diners, and bars. Then also by human television and culture which left its own mark. The expectation of being a man and a hunter made him who he is but he had to find a way around it all, and he has found a way to love. Without having to look at it too closely as well. Dean has found a way to be in love with someone that avoids all of his _human_ issues…

Michael looked at Cas, Dean was on his knees now inside his head, slow tears streaming down his face.

"Dean loves something and that something is hard to kill, something that he…reveres."

Every time Michael said 'love' Cas flinched like he was being slashed by a blade.

"He respects powerful things, he's… _relieved_ by durability, he adores his work but what he loves more is people who understand _how_ much he needs his work, to feel whole, to feel safe. He wants people, a person, who can keep Samuel safe. He loves a great many things…but Dean has needs. Dean wants… things."

Michael looked out of the window.

"Do you know what Dean wants Castiel, more than any of those other things? What he desires more than cheeseburgers, more than sex, more than his brother, more than anything really?"

Cas shook his head.

"Dean's longing…his vast overwhelming need is to be… taken care of. Dean wants someone to look after him, to love _him_ without asking anything in return, without _needing_ anything in return. Dean wants' someone who will fight for him, endlessly. When he despairs, for someone to hold him and reassure him. Someone to worship him, to crave him. Not superficially…but in the way of two bonded souls. Just one person who is _his_ , that's all."

Dean broke a little more and curled up in a ball. The wracking sobs made it hard to breathe. It was like someone cracking open his core and bearing it to the world, worse, to Castiel.

Cas was visibly shaking.

Jack's eyes were wide

"Dean could only ever love something… _other._ His mother, unbeknownst to her, had a mild gift of prophecy."

Dean looked up at that, confused.

"The thing that Dean would love, the only thing that could love him the way he needed? A love that would be unconditional and what human knows unconditional love? Do you remember Castiel, what Dean's mother used to say to him before bed, every single night?"

Cas choked, his mouth going dry as he found the words, "Angels are watching over you."

"Do you know what Dean's secret is Castiel?"

"No…" Cas whispered, denial filling his tone.

"Dean is in love with something that _is_ not and _never_ has been human." Michael rubbed his finger in some dust as he met Castiel's eyes.

"Dean is in love with… _you_."

If angels could hyperventilate, Cas was sure this is what it felt like.

"You're wrong." Cas spat.

"Don't do that Castiel, you know I loathe lies." it was calm and controlled, "and you love him. You have since you ripped his soul from hell. Does he know that? Let me check…no. Oh, joy. Dean, are you listening? Castiel fought several hundred Demons to get to you, not the one or two he originally implied. He created a wall inside your mind that protected you from your memories until you could handle them, he killed and came out bloody for you. And the best part Dean was that as soon as his hands, his pure celestial being touched your bare soul, there was no other choice but to love you. He saw all of you and now he needs you as much as you need him."

Dean looked up at that and saw the truth in Cas's face.

"Now, my story has reached its conclusion and I only want one more thing before I hold up my end of this…deal."

Cas wiped a single tear from his face.

"What?" it was ragged.

"A kiss…"

"A…a kiss?" Cas looked wounded.

"Just one, with feeling and then I'll let Dean out…although he's a little, shaky right now."

"You want to kiss me?" Cas was having difficulty with the concept.

Dean moaned to Michael, "Please don't do this." The archangel ignored him.

"Just one." Michael moved into Cas's personal space and Dean saw his hand rising to his angel's cheek.

Cas's nodded.

"Like you mean it Castiel." He added with a touch of force and Cas nodded again.

Then Michael did something so heartbreaking that Dean felt parts of his soul splinter, the feeling in his body returned, but not the control and then he kissed Cas. The move was slow but hard and the feel of Cas's lips on his was like heaven. Dean's lip fell between Cas's and he sucked it lightly opening Cas's mouth with his tongue, smashing them together like a wave. Dean's hand rose to match the other and he gripped the shorter man's face. His whole body shuddered with the feeling, with the need that consumed him. The kiss broke suddenly and Michael appeared next to Dean in his mind.

The angel, a mirror image, smirked and said, "You have three minutes."

-fin-


	2. Chapter 2

"Cas?" Dean gasped then shuddered.

He could feel it, his whole self. For the first time in...too long, he could feel his skin. He could move his head... could taste the Angel on his lips...

Everything felt new. The feel of the hat ledged on his head, and the racing of his heart as it beat in his chest, it was overwhelming. If he ever got out of this mess he was never taking anything for granted again. The room started to dim at the edges, darkness closing in.

"Dean?" Cas replied, shocked as the hunter sagged.

Dean's legs gave way and Cas caught him, supporting his weight until he regained his balance.

Once Dean was steady and had reassured Cas he wasn't going to pass out, Castiel took a second to check Dean was okay. Despite the circumstances, the three-piece suit looked good on Dean. Cas noted the pleasing way that the grey and black highlighted his golden tan. Cas' eyes roamed toward Jack as he tried to distract himself. Dean was close and it was nice, maybe too nice. The Angel could feel warm breath on his neck and it sent a shiver down his spine. After this would anything be normal again?

Dean felt weak and drained. The layers of tailored material were confining. What he wouldn't give for some jeans. He leaned into Cas and regretted the necessity of it. He didn't think he could stand without help and just needed a few seconds to adjust. Cas smelt like warm caramel and clean winter air, and as the thought crept in he swallowed hard. It was so good being this close he let himself be at peace for several seconds. Then he pushed the thoughts away and tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating within his chest.

They avoided looking at each other as Dean stepped back. His hand remained on Cas' arm, still wary of falling. The Angel's coat was smooth under Dean's fingers and he loved that he could feel it, such a simple thing but he relished it. They stood mere inches apart and were unable to speak, their eyes met and Dean felt breathless. Every time he formed words, they became lost in the memory of what Michael had forced on them.

Every time Cas thought he knew what to say, he looked into Dean's bright but exhausted green eyes and it escaped him.

"Dean, are you okay?" Jack broke the awkward silence. They only had three minutes and they were wasting it staring at each other. Was this whole thing new to them, couldn't they feel it? Jack had known from the beginning but hadn't understood. He did now. It radiated from them, waves of emotion and desire, it was almost visible.

Dean snapped out of his shock for a second to answer.

"Still alive and kicking Jack." His voice cracked as he pushed a tight smile onto his face. Gradually, he let go of Cas and steadied himself.

"Cas…" Dean started and could feel tears in his eyes. Shit, this was not how he wanted this to go down. Hell, he didn't even know what the fuck to do with this...mess.

"...I know Dean." They stared at each other again and Jack became irritated,

"Castiel! Tell Dean what we summoned him for."

The young Nephilim was very aware of how invaluable this window of time was.

"Yes, I'm sorry…" Cas coughed, trying to find his words. That kiss though…his thoughts trailed off.

"Cas?" Dean prompted. The Angel stared at Dean's lips like they held the secrets of the universe, they were very distracting.

"Yes, sorry." Cas shook himself and straightened. "Michael may know what we've discussed so I have to be brief."

Dean nodded, raising his rough fingers to his lips. His heart was still racing and the memory of the kiss flashed through his mind like a strobe light. After being in his head for so long without an audience, he forgot he was being watched.

"Dean...please…" Cas whined, and it shocked him. He was back, focused as he looked at Cas.

"I'm sorry..." The hunter ran his hand through his hair knocking the hat onto the floor. Michael would be pissed and he so didn't give a fuck. His body felt weird, what hell had the archangel been doing?

"Have you been looking for a way out?" Cas asked.

"I'm not on vacation in there Cas…" Dean liked the sarcasm, it felt comfortable, normal.

"You're stronger than you think..." Cas replied with serious eye contact. "Do you remember when Gadreel took Sam?"

Dean nodded not sure where this was going. He shuffled on the spot, his skin didn't feel right.

"Do you remember when I explained about angel's grace being left behind, residue?"

Dean nodded again, confused. What did that have to do with anything?

"When an Angel inhabits a vessel, they leave it behind but also when an Angel touches a soul."

Cas raised his eyebrows, willing Dean to understand.

"When Angel essence touches a soul, in certain instances, it creates scars like cracks in a wall. Leftover power, do you understand? Keep this information away from him Dean. Lock it away; hide it, especially everything that comes next."

Cas paused for Dean's nod. He could feel time running out and didn't want to say this part because it would create more questions. Cas couldn't answer them, not with Michael present. The worst thing was that it would confuse and upset Dean. There was nothing worse for Cas than making Dean hurt.

"Do you remember what I told you about the power of a soul?"

"Like a nuke?" Dean offered.

Cas nodded, "I did more than touch your soul, Dean."

Dean squinted, confused. What did he mean?

"I can't elaborate, I'm sorry. If Michael knew...well, nothing good would happen."

Cas placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and said, "You are more powerful than a typical soul Dean. You have more...just more."

"Thanks for the pep talk Cas…"

"No, Dean. Hear me. Essence is more powerful than Grace."

Dean felt the room spin. Was Cas saying he could break free? He'd been trying but maybe he didn't know his own strength.

"Dean, you can fight him and then we can help you."

"You found a way? No, wait, don't answer that." Dean could see it in Cas's eyes, they had a plan.

"You have one minute," Jack said, trying not to interrupt.

"Cas, I get it but, shit...he'll know."

"Not if we distract him."

Dean's eyes went wide at Cas' expression.

"Cas...what Michael said…I..." Dean froze, having no idea how to begin fixing this, or where to go from here.

Cas swallowed and said the words, knowing that Dean couldn't, "I love you, Dean. I always have."

Dean felt elated and nauseous at the same time. "Cas, I…"

"I know. I really do. I'm sorry; this isn't how I wanted this to be." Then Cas closed the gap between them in one swift move, Dean had no time to react.

"Wha-?" The question cut short by Cas' lips as they found his.

"Thirty Seconds," Jack whispered.

The kiss was brutal and desperate.

For Cas, it was years of repression, angst and confusion. It was love and torment, his heart on his sleeve. It was hot and wild as he wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him close. The Angel was tense, thinking Dean would finch but he didn't. Relief flooded Castiel and he relaxed.

Deans hand cupped Cas's jaw, the stubble felt weird on his skin but not wrong. The hot press of lips made Dean's cock throb and he crushed himself closer to Cas. Fuck it, the 'Cat was out of the bag' and with that Dean let himself drown in sensation. He could plead insanity later but right now all he wanted to do was plunge headfirst into the love. He'd been so alone for so long, locked away from everyone that he was craving this. The emotion radiating from Cas healed something within him.

Then an answer appeared in his mind and he knew how to keep Cas safe. He knew where to hide the secret of his freedom, of this moment but it would cost him. Maybe everything...

Dean did the unthinkable, he dropped his walls. The boundaries which kept him safe from the deepest, darkest emotions disintegrated. He tore them to pieces in an instant of complete surrender.

Pressing in closer, he nipped and bit at Cas' lips. He let him see everything that he'd kept locked away, knowing the Angel could feel it all. Running his hands into Cas' hair he groaned, this was bliss.

Dean took the kiss and revelled in it. Memories of them together flashed through his mind and he groaned. Somehow he just knew if he let go, Michael would be so distracted by the emotions he wouldn't find the secrets. So he dragged every single memory he had forward and set them free.

Every time Cas had saved him, had loved him, held him. Every memory where Cas had healed him, believed in him and sacrificed for him. The endless forgiveness and the trust were all there. The failures on both sides, everything flashed by, pulling feelings with it. It was a hurricane of emotion, brutal and unrelenting. He took it all, wrapped it around Cas' words and hid them away. His heart pounded as hot sweat slid down his back. Cas' fingers dug into his shoulders and Dean groaned. He would always keep Cas safe, always, even if it was only his words.

Cas drowned as the wall of emotion hit him. Those final thirty seconds were the longest and also, the shortest of Castiel's very long life.

Dean felt the change as Michael pulled him back, dragged into the darkness of his mind.

Cas felt Dean shudder as Michael filled out his body. He stepped back, breaking the embrace. He did not want to be anywhere near Michael.

"Well, well, what were you two doing?" Michael asked, looking dizzy. "I feel...strange. Dean is hiding...overwhelmed."

"Well, what did you expect after your revelation?" Cas snapped, tired and annoyed.

"I'm not sure but I will have so much fun examining it." The archangel grinned.

Sadist, Cas thought.

"Are we done Castiel?"

Cas nodded.

"Then break the seal…"

Cas with a reluctant glance noted the symbol etched into the door.

Jack had invented it from a random thought. Its purpose, to trap an Angel within the barrier of a room but unfortunately, it confined Cas too. They had no way of getting Michael out of Dean so this was a 'Hail Mary' as Dean would say. Cas winced as he thought of Dean. There was nothing worse than watching him be possessed by an Angel. It was Dean and Dean was...his. He used to think that meant friend but now, what was he? Cas Chastised himself, it wasn't important, he would go to the end of the universe to help him. "Fine. Jack?" Cas instructed his charge.

Jacks eyes glowed, the symbol vanished. So did Michael... and Dean with him.

Jack turned to Castiel. "We have to help him Cas." The young man looked pained.

"I know, and soon." Cas forced out between gritted teeth. He felt like shit.

Sam returned a few short minutes later.

"What happened?" Am I too late? I can't believe you would do this without me!" He yelled as he slammed the door. Then he paused, "...Well, I can believe it but, damn it Cas...I thought we were past this!"

"Dean would never forgive me if I'd delivered you to Michael, Sam. You know he'd want me to protect you. " Cas looked at Sam with sad eyes. Sam recoiled his anger lost in concern for his friend.

"What the hell happened Cas?"

Castiel lost it. Broken, he dropped to his knees. The long brown trench coat he wore became a blanket. The Angel wrapped it tight as his knees sank into the stained brown carpet of the motel room floor. The shaking which began as a fine tremble was now uncontrollable. He had a weight in his chest and a lump in his throat. A feeling of helplessness rolled him, it was overwhelming.

"Jack?" Sam focused on the young man, "Is Dean okay? Please, tell me what happened...you're scaring me."

Jack nodded, indicating Dean was fine and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. He'd never seen Cas so...damaged. Angry, yes. Sad, yes...but this...god damn it. This he had no idea how to deal with.

"Dean loves Cas." Jack started, as he knelt with his father on the floor and held him. Cas cried silent tears into his son's t-shirt which was actually Dean's t-shirt and felt like he would die with the pain. His heart felt shattered, fragments floating in a lake of desolation.

"Err..." Sam froze at the unexpected declaration, and then added, "Yeah we all love Cas."

"No, he loves Cas…" Jack emphasised it and added full eye contact, willing Sam to get it.

And when Sam did get it, he crashed onto the bed grasping his head in his hands trying to rub the thoughts away. His heart raced, the heat making his skin sticky and damp.

Sam scanned Jacks face looking for a lie, "No... That's not. It was Michael he lied... Did Dean say it? Did you speak to him?" It was aggressive and full of disbelief, and shock. The emotions were all fighting for space in his chest.

"Michael doesn't lie if he can use the truth, Sam. Tt's part of his 'code'." Jack reminded him, "We spoke to Dean after Michael's revelation and he confirmed it, kind of."

Sam glared at the Nephilim, "What do you mean kind of? How do you know? I mean it's Dean! He's not...you know…" Sam was struggling with this. Dean was the most hetero guy in the damn world, there was no way he was…

Jack gently rocked Cas while staring at Sam, his father whimpered occasionally. The mournful sound broke the young man's heart. Sometimes Jack was wise beyond his years, in this case, he stayed silent and let Sam figure it out on his own. Sam groaned, struggling.

Cas found his voice, devastated as it was, he answered in Jack's place.

"A kiss..."

Sam's eyes flew wide.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" He gawked.

Cas eventually looked up to meet Sam's eyes and it was excruciating. Those beautiful blue eyes were raw, wide and drowning in pain. Sam winced; it was tough to look at.

"I kissed him and he let me... let me in, behind his walls...I felt it. I felt it all." It was a whisper towards the end as he fought for breath, fought past the grief.

Jack hugged Cas tighter and added, "I felt it too. He crashed his walls, Sam. You know all those protective walls that humans put up to keep their souls safe? To keep their hearts safe? Dean, he tore them down, he...threw it out into the ether. We drowned in his emotions. Any Angel or Demon for that matter, anything within a hundred miles would have felt that. He bared his soul, it was... deafening."

Sam was speechless. What did it all mean? And... Dean loved Cas? Like loved him? He couldn't wrap his head around it and he believed them because they wouldn't lie but...shit. What was he supposed to do with it?

Sam cleared his throat, "Cas, is that why…"

"Why I can't function?" Cas finished.

Sam nodded, his face scrunched with worry.

"Yes, Sam. Those walls kept Dean safe. I...when we get him back...I'm not sure what the consequences will be…"

The Angel gazed at the ceiling and Sam shuddered, holding back tears of his own. It was such a Dean gesture that it tore at his vail of calm, tears rolled gently from his eyes. He sat on the bed and rocked from side to side, processing the revelations. The silence became consuming.

Cas sniffled as he tried to regain his composure and Jack held him.

Fuck this, Sam thought, there would be time for this crap later. Right now they needed to hack that Angel and get Dean back.

"Okay, so what's the plan?" The men on the floor glanced at Sam. "The symbol works right?"

They both nodded, "...And Dean knows what he's looking for now?"

They nodded again.

"Okay, so we hack through and we help Dean. We can do this Cas." Sam looked at his friend, sympathy pouring from his eyes. "We can get him back and we'll deal with rest later."

Sam hoped that Dean would still be...him when they set him free. He prayed to whoever was listening to help keep his brother safe.

"Now, we make a plan," Sam instructed as Jack helped Cas to stand. The Angel was still a little unsteady and Jack let Cas lean on him for support.

"Okay, let's do this." Cas nodded at Sam, determination replacing the grief. This was his Cas, the Cas who was a soldier. The Cas who would and had moved heaven and earth for Dean.

Jack dragged a smile onto his face. "For Dean."

Sam smiled in return but it didn't reach his eyes, "For Dean."


	3. Chapter 3

Dean huddled in a ball in the corner of his mind. It felt like floating in a warm lake. As if he wasn't really attached to anything or feeling anything.

"Oh, Dean…" Micheal called.

Dean looked up, "Yes."

"What have you been doing in here? It's… a mess."

The voice had no form, it just echoed around the dark space that was his mind.

Dean ignored him and for once the voice stopped. He floated for a while, relaxing back into the imaginary water, that was more like a pool of light. Is this what love felt like? Peace?

Something glinted on the horizon and he ignored it but it kept its persistent flashing. Moments later he gave in and floated over to it. The small window flickered and as he got closer a T.V style screen appeared. Cas was on it… so was Dean. Lifting his hand he touched it and was sucked in.

"Dean, I need to undo some of what has been done."

Cas was standing in a dungeon staring at him. The memory shimmed around them as if it was struggling to stay solid.

"I have to repair some of your soul, we don't have much time and … it will hurt."

Dean stood to the side and watched himself nod. Where were they? He didn't remember this… Was this, Hell? Was this the memory Cas was talking about?  
Memory Dean nodded, and the angel moved, grasping his left shoulder with his hand. Dean screamed and the noise dragged him into his body. Castiel screamed as he tore parts of himself away to fix him. Dean knew what was happening, he could feel it. Parts of Cas' essence, like using parts of his body to fix Dean. How broken had he been? How much of him had already started to crack, to turn dark and black?  
Cas' essence poured through the dark spaces and filled them out with light. 'No-one could know what Castiel was doing. If Dean ever fulfilled his role as Michael's sword… the human would have more power than he should.' The thoughts came as if Cas was speaking inside his head, 'Dean Winchester you are no longer just you. You will be a part of me. We are bound. For eternity.'  
Dean was thrown back into the Hellscape and it started to fade. A second window flickered and he walked over too it, the same happened, he was pulled into a memory. This one was only moments ago, Cas speaking in hushed tones in the motel.

"Essence is more powerful than grace." Then it changed to Dean's, "Like a nuclear reactor."

He was pushed out of the memory with force back into his peaceful lake. Reeling he cursed. Wait, so Cas was part of him? His heart throbbed, they'd always been connected? That made so much sense. He sat and tried to get his thoughts in order. So Dean was part… Angel… holy shit. The memory of fighting the Whore of Babylon, the year after the met Cas. He'd stabbed her and she'd died, she shouldn't have. That explained it, he really was a servant of Heaven. Jesus…

Wait, wait. Cas said there were cracks, where his essence met Dean's soul. Where the hell did he start looking for cracks in his soul? As soon as the thought crossed his mind he felt it, like a zip pulling open. Turning he saw a split in the wall of his mind, shaking he placed his hand against it. The hole widened and it was like pushing against a membrane. As if the walls of his mind were thinner here or something.

"Dean." The voice came from behind him.

"Jack?"

"Hello. Dean, you need to press harder. I can feel you when you do whatever it was you were doing. Do it again"

Dean frowned, "…but Michael."

"When you let down your shield's it threw up a wall of memories around him. It like a swarm of birds."

"Bees"

Dean heard Cas correct him and he smiled.

"He's struggling, I can feel it," Jack added.

"So I push?"

"Yes, with everything you have and I'll push from the outside."

"Okay, Jack here goes."

Dean gathered his strength and pushed. He thought about the light that Cas had repaired his soul with and he imagined it in his hands. Feeling strong he threw it all at the crack in the wall.

"DEAN?" Micheal's voice called and oh boy was he angry.

"GET OUT OF ME!" Dean growled as he fought to regain his body.

"How are you…? No!" Micheal raged.

"Push Dean!" Jack yelled.

The hunter did, with every ounce of fight and will he possessed. A golden warmth flowed over him as Jack added his power to Deans, then a fiery white shine joined it. The gold and silver threads bound together and shone on what was now a window to the world. Jack's eyes were glowing brightly, so were Cas' and Sam was chanting something in Enochian.

"NO!" Micheal cried as he tried to keep a grip on his vessel.

"More," Jack growled and Dean spotted Rowena. She looked flushed, exhausted aiming purple light his way.

Slowly, Dean filtered back into his body as Micheal was ejected. The process was painful and it felt like his insides were being torn out with the angel.

"Ahhhhh," Dean screamed.

"Stop you're hurting him," Cas yelled.

"No." Jack growled, "Do not stop Castiel, it's the only way! Hang on Dean, this will suck."

He wasn't wrong. It absolutely sucked. The pain was like being back on the rack in Hell but worse. How it was worse he wasn't quite sure, but it was defiantly worse. Like being seared from the inside out then those parts were frozen and torn out, over and over.

"Hang in their Dean." It was a soft whisper, Cas' voice in his mind.

There wasn't a whole lot left in Dean's mind but overwhelming pain and need to get Micheal out of him. Then suddenly it was over. The shock of sudden relief had him collapsing, both in his mind and physically. His body was totalled. The only thing that seemed to be working was his hearing.

"Jack, Heal him. Cas is down for the count."

"Sure Sam."

Dean felt the golden light and mused. When Jack had figured out he could do that? How much had he missed?

"He's still not moving. His body is better but his mind… they both need rest."

"Let's get them home," Sam said, his voice exhausted.

"Okay, Sam."

The bed was soft, Dean knew it was his bed. Cas was here, he could feel him.

"Cas. You need to go… we don't know…" Mary started, his Mom's tone was fragile.

"I know Mary, I just he feels so far away."

"I get it, I do. For now though…? "

Darkness swallowed him, he didn't know how long for but then voices broke into the silence again.

"What were you doing?" Sam scolded.

"It was the only way to stop him thrashing! Sam, he needs me!"

Sam huffed, "Fine! I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Just keep your boxers on okay, Jesus. I don't need to see that and Dean would freak."

"It's the skin contact," Jack added.

"I still don't like it."

Shadows pulled at him, he wanted to stay but he couldn't. There was only darkness here and he didn't know how much time had passed.

Rolling over Dean stopped as his body hit another.

"Dean?" Cas asked, "Can you hear me?"

There was a deep dark fog clouding his mind. How did he speak again? No… speaking was too hard… sleeping, that was better.

Darkness once more.

"How many times have you healed him now?" Sam was angry.

"Seven. He's not eating and we can barely get water into him. How else do you propose he stays alive?"

"Jesus Cas, he looks half dead… Mom is avoiding even being here. I can't do this any more…"

"He's getting better. Jack says his mind heals more every day. The night terrors are better, he's even lucid occasionally."

"I just want him to open his eyes…" Sam whined, there were tears in his voice.

"He will Sam, just be patient."

"I have a headache. Stop talking." Dean growled out. It was incoherent but he found his words.

"Dean!"

"Dean?" his brother an the angel called together. "Jack!"

"Stop yelling." He moaned again and tried to open his eyes but they felt heavy. It took several tries but finally, he managed one eye, slightly.

"Dean…" Sam called, "Are you okay?"

"No, idiot." Then darkness claimed him again.

Dean rolled over again and his flesh. What day was it? How long had he been here? Why was there a person in his bed? It was nice though. Cas. Cas was in his bed. There was no panic, no worry, only peace.

"Cas?" Dean called, his voice easier than it had been. The memories of before were shadows, wisps, he didn't really know what he'd done or said.

"Dean?"

Dean shuffled closer to the angel, he was warm. Somewhere in him, he knew that wasn't right, Cas was always cool to the touch. His arm wrapped around him, his bare chest touching Cas' side as he lay on his back. Dean didn't open his eyes, he was too sleepy and he drifted back into the darkness feeling safe.

"Sleep well, Dean."

"This is nice Cas…"

Then he was gone again.

The light was bright and Dean flinched. Opening his eyes had been painful but he'd managed it. Cas was lying to his right, on his bed. Yes, this was normal his brain reminded him, Cas is helping you heal. Keeping the nightmares away. You love Cas. Dean's arm draped over his friend who was naked from the waist up. He knew he should be bothered but honestly, naked was naked. It didn't matter, skin was skin and it felt nice.

"Dean?"

"Cas." Dean looked up at him, his head warm on the pillow.

"How do you feel?"

"Tired… drained. Broken? Happy"

"Broken?"

"My mind feels… scattered. The thoughts keep flying through like I can't stop them."

"Jack," Cas called and Jack appeared.

"Can you try doing the walls now he's awake?"

"I can try. Hi Fluffy Dean. I miss you."

"I missed you too Jack." Dean replied trying for a smile and getting halfway then yawning.

Jack knelt on the bed and touched Dean's head. There was a bright light and then calm, then pain.

"Stop Jack." Dean called and he did.

"I can only do bits at a time Castiel."

" I know, that's fine, thank you. Can you give us a minute?"

"Sure." Jack smiled, "Bye Dean."

The kid vanished and Dean groaned, "Ouch."

Cas smiled softly, "He's helping to rebuild the walls you tore down."

"Right. I did that huh?"

"Yeah you did." Cas frowned.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Cas?"

"We've had this conversation before."

"When?"

"Yesterday…"

Dean could feel a but coming, "Cas?"

"Every day for the last eight weeks."

Dean sat up and the room spun, "eight weeks?"

Cas nodded, "Maybe this time it will stick. The memories I mean."

"So we're not panicking about it?" Dean asked.

"No, we're not panicking."

"Oh good."

"You're not quite you though. I'm hoping that will fix itself eventually."

"Oh… that's good too…" Dean yawned, "I'm going back to sleep now. Can I sleep on you?"

Cas grinned, "Yes Dean."

"I'm not me am I Cas?"

"You're a little you and a little, not. It's okay though. I don't mind."

"Because you love me?"

Cas glowed, "Yes Dean because I love you."

"Good, I love you too."

Dean snuggled into Cas as the angel grinned.

"Cas?" He asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, That just the first time you've said it today."

Dean closed his eyes, "I don't need to say it silly, You know I do. It's implied."

Then he drifted off to sleep as Cas cried happy tears.


	4. Chapter 4

The day that Dean felt like himself was both amazing and sucked. It sucked like both the apocalypse and whatever was worse than that all at once. He woke up happy like he had for weeks, he rolled over to where Cas lay in his boxers and smiled. Leaning up his kissed the angels shoulder and then lay back down.

Then something in his chest churned, something bad. 'That's Cas the voice said. 'Cas is in your bed, nearly naked.' Part of him that knew it'd been like that for weeks, months and was fine with it. The part that was Dean. The part that had been scrambling and clawing its way back was not okay, not even a little. It recoiled and he clawed at his skull as the two fought it out inside his mind.

"Get out of my bed Cas." He growled bolting upright, it sounded fucking awful.

"Dean?"

"You need to leave." he spat as the years of emotional wreckage rebuilt what he had destroyed months before.

"I can help-"

"GET OUT CASTIEL!"

"Dean?" Sam called from the door.

"Get out!" he clawed at his head, "BOTH OF YOU, OUT NOW!"

They both looked horrified. Cas, the expression on the angel's face would be one he would hate himself for, well, for a very long time. It was grief, pain, longing… it was devastating and Dean couldn't deal with it at that moment. His brain felt like it was going to explode. The door closed and he screamed. The pieces of who he was before Micheal were sashing the Fluffy Dean away with sledgehammers. Fluffy Dean is what Jack had been calling him and he'd been okay with it. It had been like being drunk or high, he just loved everything, everyone and didn't care about the bad things. If Cas said it was okay, then it was okay. Cas was shiny, Cas was his soul, he loved Cas and Cas loved him. Everything was happy and peaceful. He'd blocked out the bad things. He'd blocked out his Mom yelling at Cas for encouraging the physical contact. He'd glossed unicorn stickers over Sam arguing with her about it. He'd reigned glitter on that he didn't do a damn thing unless Cas was with him because as long as Cas was there it was okay. Even showering, Cas went. Every single thing had a rainbow tint, like being in a cartoon. The colours had been too bright, the sound had been too calm, he hadn't been himself. Cas had known that Dean could feel it and hear it, he just wanted Dean safe and happy. Dean had asked for contact and Cas had given it to him. Cas' essence was part of Dean and being close was nice. Cas hadn't seen a problem. There wasn't a problem but then there was a problem.

Memories of his life smashed through the happy gloss. Being raised by his Dad, broke through the bliss of him being okay sleeping with Cas. Fucking many, many women sliced into the happy, safe feeling. The one he got wrapping himself around Cas' naked body. The expectation he had of himself blew up his peace.

Fluffy Dean was there but now he was locked behind years, decades of Dean and his darkness. By the time the assault had subsided he was panting, gasping on the bed he'd been sharing with his best friend. Rolling onto his knees the memories found their place in his mind and suddenly he heaved. Running for the bathroom he managed to get there just in time to throw up.

Cas had brought dinner… cheeseburgers and pie. Love pushed up from his psyche and his Deanness threw a brick at it. 'No!' it screamed, we don't do that!'

The room span and he threw up again.

"Dean?" Jack asked through the door.

"I need Cas to leave," Dean yelled.

Jack pushed the door open, "What? Why?"

Dean felt empty, all the way through.

"He needs to go, Jack, I can't… I need space. I… I'm me…"

Jack paled, "Right." With that, he vanished.

The next few hours passed in a blur. Dean tried to feel everything that had happened but any thoughts of Cas made his soul twist. It felt like it was trying to claw it's way out. his mind would spin and crackle. It was fucking awful. He felt awful. He hated treating Cas this way. Jack sat in his room and Dean had cried. Actually cried that he'd treated Cas so badly then the next second he'd be so angry he couldn't breathe.

"I can make it stop," Jack said and Dean had groaned a soft yes through the pain.

Darkness again, this time it was voluntary oblivion.

Waking up three days later he felt more solid, starving but solid.

"Hey, Jack." He called as he walked into the kitchen.

Jack got up and walked out.

"Jack?" Dean called chasing after him, "Buddy? What's wrong?"

The Nephilim spun as he got to the library, "My father is sad Dean, he is crying and sad and it's your fault."

Dean went wide-eyed with shock, "What?"

Jack frowned, "He's been banished from our home because you won't have him here and it's not fair-"

"Of course he can be here Jack-"

"No, you said he had to go and he went"

"I'm sorry I was struggling. I'm feeling better now, he can come back."

"Really?" he looked confused and then happy. "Okay, I'll go tell him."

Ten minutes later Dean had decided to get coffee and Cas strode in with Jack.

"Dean." He whispered as he embraced his friend.

The hunter smiled and patted him lightly on his back, "Hey Cas."

"You're better? You're well?"

"Yeah… All working parts as far as I can tell. Hey, I'm sorry for the other day…"

"It's alright Dean. I'm just glad you're feeling better."

"Erm, Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"Personal space buddy…"

That sentence would be another he added to his list of all-time dick moments because the words were old Dean. They were repressed, fucked up Dean who didn't know how good it felt to feels Cas' skin under his hands. They were Dean who cared what he showed to the world. They were all about pushing Cas away, making everything the way they had been. Fluffy Dean was rolling in his grave. He was sobbing and screaming as those words left his mouth because he knew it was a lie. As Cas had hugged him Dean had melted. The balance that had been drawn hadn't wiped Fluffy Dean away, it had integrated him. Dean pushed back because it felt… wrong, no, different… to different. He'd been through too much. So when Cas' face fell, when quiet desolation crawled over his features. Dean's heart broke. He wanted to hug him, to fix it… but he couldn't. The broken parts fought to the surface and he frowned. Cas could feel Dean's emotions and that seemed to make it worse. The angel turned and stormed out.

"Fuck." He whispered to Jack who was staring at the empty space where Cas had been.

Jack went after his father and Sam turned up an hour later while Dean was lounging in the TV room.

"What happened?" he asked as he sat on the sofa opposite Dean's chairs.

"What? Why?"

"Cas is at a motel. He says he needs space…"

"Nothing, everything is just back to normal."

Sam gaped, "Normal?"

"Yeah, Sam. Normal."

"You can't pretend the last four months didn't happen Dean."

Dean nearly threw up, four months. Had it really been that long?

"Yes I can and you will too. I need normal."

"Oh yeah, you are defiantly back to 'normal'" Sam spat and walked out.

"What was with everyone?"

That thought would buzz around in his skull for the next few weeks. Finally, he realised it wasn't them, it was him. He was trying so hard to be the old Dean he hadn't realised that the others had changed. They'd gotten used to how it had become.

The depression hit first, he didn't know how to be this person. The new Fluffy Dean yelled at him constantly. When he crawled into bed alone and cried. He cried because Cas wasn't there, he told himself it was because he'd been through a lot. When he ate alone because Sam had gone to convince Cas to come back to the bunker he felt alone, so absolutely alone. Fluffy Dean pined for Cas constantly. When he watched movies and his mind would wander to what Cas was doing and he had to pull it back.  
Eventually, Cas moved back in and to cope Dean started to hit the whiskey, hard. Fluffy Dean was constantly driving him to move closer, be nearer and the rest of him was fighting it. The alcohol only worked if he was paralytic, comatose from the liquor.

Cas spoke to him a little as possible and that caused anxiety. That was an understatement. Full blown panic attacks occurred when the Fluffy thought Cas was mad at him. In turn, regular Dean was furious. The angel and Jack were always out on jobs. Dean had wanted to go but trying to leave the bunker had caused him to have a panic attack. Fluffy Dean wanted Cas. Regular Dean wanted normal and the opposing sides were tearing him apart.

What the fuck was he supposed to do?

The answer was in the question. He got Jack to teleport him to the local dive bar. Women, women everywhere. There started the cycle. Drinking to get rid of the anxiety and fucking to distract him from Cas. Every night, the same thing, over and over. Names and faces blended into one. Weeks passed in a blur of naked alcohol fog sex. He barely ate, didn't sleep and it was slowly destroying him.

"Dean," Cas called as he walked into the lounge one evening.

"Cas." He replied from where he'd thrown himself over the large chair. The whiskey bottle hung limply in his hand.

"Dean… Why are you… Why Can't we-" He sighed as Dean gazed up at him from upside down, "I can't watch you do this any more."

The angel looked exhausted.

"Do what?"

"This…" he gestured to the whiskey. "I can feel what you're feeling, what you're fighting and I just… I can't watch this any more."

Dean shrugged, "Then don't."

Cas stared, "What?"

"Don't Castiel… leave."

"Fine."

"Fine."

The angel turned and walked out, not angry, just tired. Just done.

"Fuck." Dean whispered to himself, "You're going to regret that tomorrow."

Throwing back several long gulps of liquor he let a single tear out. Of course, Cas would give up on him, everyone did. Fluffy Dean was buried under an alcohol-induced fog but Dean could hear him screaming. A wrenching furious sob that cut to his core. Oh yes, he was going to regret that tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

As it turned out, he regretted it much sooner than he'd thought.

"Dean, what did you do?" Sam asked marching through the door to the lounge an hour later.

"You already know. You have your mad face on." Dean replied giggling, his tone childish.

"Cas is packing his stuff. So whatever you did, go fix it!"

Dean's stomach lurched, "He didn't tell you?"

"NO. He said it was 'private'"

Dean felt the air quotes more than saw them, Sam was standing just out of sight and Dean's eyes were mostly closed. The whiskey burned as he swigged it, the discomfort distracting his thoughts for a moment. It wasn't his problem, Cas could go, he didn't care. An ache started somewhere between his ribs and he ignored it.

"He told me that 'he couldn't watch this.' So I told him he didn't have too."

"You're an idiot" The insult spat from his brother was like a slap.

"Thanks, Sammy." He accepted it without question, nothing could make him feel worse than he did. The worse thing was that he had no clue what set Cas off and even less of a clue of how to fix it.

"Sam… I don't even know where to start. I don't know what I did."

"You're so fucking ridiculous. Right, you want some home truths? Heres a few. You spent months laying with him, sleeping with him in your bed. He had a side of the bed Dean. You argued about it, play fought about it. You told him you loved him. You explained every single reason why you loved him. You kissed him, Dean, on the mouth, on the head like he was the most precious fucking thing in the whole god damn world. You woke up one day and banished him then tried to roll back in the closet and barricade the damn door. He's mad because he's in love with you and you're in love with him but for some insane reason, you're staying in fucking Narnia. You're destroying yourself in the process. Newsflash Dean, none of us care who you fuck if you're happy. We didn't care. Whatever this is, this isn't happy, not even close and we're all tired of it. We thought you'd forgotten it all but Cas says he can feel it, he can feel you blocking it out, pushing it away. ignoring it, Jesus man up and admit your feelings or I swear Cas won't be the only one walking out." Sam growled every word with his jaw clenched. The added glare was punctuated by his turning and the slamming of the door.

If Sam had stayed he would have seen the shock register on his brothers face. He would have seen the confusion and pain as the pieces clicked into place. He would have noticed the pale, pasty colour fall over Dean's usually tan features. He would have heard him evacuating his stomach into the toilet as his world came crashing down. The dry heaving stopped several minutes later and he panted, trying to cool his head on the wall tile. Was it that simple? He sat and mulled it over. He was in love with Cas… 'Duh' his inner fluffy self-mocked.

His alcohol saturated mind had no inhibitions and it cracked. Sam's rant had unlocked fluffy Dean's memories and he was swamped with everything he had been repressing. Late night talks about Cas' life as an angel. Laughing at Jack as he figured out social media, watching TV so that Dean didn't have to dream… The happiness flooded him. Fuck… he was such an idiot. It was all there, all the things he'd forgotten, buried. Sammy chose that moment to knock on the bathroom door.

"Dean, I swear if you let him go…you'll regret it."

"I don't know what to do." Dean all but sobbed, he hated feeling helpless, feeling trapped. Standing, he opened the door to his brother. Sam stared down at his bent, sweaty form with a face like thunder.

"Help me, Sammy," Dean begged.

"Shit," Sam sighed, "You loved him before all this."

Dean started to object but Sam raised a hand.

"You watched him before all this Dean like you watched women in bars but… more. You stared when he was shirtless. You made him coffee that he didn't need to drink so he sat with you at breakfast. You smiled at him, like really smiled at him Dean…and when Michael…." Sam inhaled, committing to his rant. "When we finally got you back, it was Cas you looked at, not me. Not Jack, not Mom, it was Cas. He carried you, he bathed you. He barked orders for weeks to everyone and made sure… he made damn sure that even half dead you ate and drank. When you were comatose he healed you, got Jack to burn his grace away to heal you over and over again. Did you know that you called his name every night for weeks? That he stayed by your side so you could wrap yourself around him? So he could tell you it was okay? When the nightmares got so bad that only Cas lying next to you made them stop, he did it. You clung to him like he was the only thing in the whole damn world. When you opened your eyes for the first time and saw him, you smiled…you fuckin' glowed dude. You didn't ask for us, you didn't care. Him, just him."

Dean stared at his brother like he'd grown another head. Sam stared back at him willing him to get it.

"Yes, he may be in a guys body but Dean he's an Angel and you need to get your shit together and deal." with that he turned and walked away.

Dean felt shell-shocked. He'd thought those memories were a dream with Cas holding him, rocking him. Maybe he'd wanted to believe it was all a dream. Memories of Cas' skin touching his came in a wave. Touching, play fighting, kissing. His body responded and he threw up again. Shit…shit. His heart ached but with longing, his body throbbed with need. Nothing had satisfied him over the last few weeks and now he knew why. Sam was right, he loved Cas, he just didn't know what the hell to do about it.  
His feet did. They moved on their own, taking him to the library where Sam was trying to talk Cas down.

"I have to go Sam. I can't do this anymore." Cas' back was turned but Dean could hear the echo of tears. It was enough. His heart broke and at that moment he'd have done anything to stop that sound coming from his Cas. Had he just called him his?

"Castiel?" Dean called.  
Sam smiled, a shadow but it was there.

"I'll give you two some space," he said moving towards the kitchen. Cas turned, slow and deliberate. It took what felt like an age for their eyes to meet.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, Cas." Dean smiled but it was sad, broken.

"I'm leaving Dean like you wanted."

"I'm sorry Cas." They both spoke at the same time.

"What did you say?"

"I'm not a coward. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a coward." Dean spoke quickly. "I mean, I have been… I have been so fucking awful Cas." The words slurred and Cas leaned over and healed him. The alcohol disintegrated and Dean was sober.

"Thanks." Bravery holding, "I've been hiding from you because it scares the shit outta me." Running his hands through his hair he avoided Cas' gaze. "But that's not me, I'm not a coward. Sammy pointed out that you're an angel and I get it now. You're not a guy, not really and I love you, like the inside angel bits. I mean you're hot. I'm not saying that you're not hot, because you are… I mean, just that I'd still want you if you were in a woman's body. It clicked… I get it. I was freaking out because I'm not gay… but I flirt with men and it doesn't bother me. I flirt and touch you and it's nice. I just had all these issues and shit but I swear I'm not a coward and I don't want to run any more. I'm sorry I fucked it all up, I'm sorry I hurt you… shit, this is not how I wanted this to come out…"

"I know you're not a coward Dean" Cas replied, "You're the bravest man I know."

Dean shuffled on the spot, he looked up at Cas, his eyes were shiny. He wanted to make that go away. Fluffy Dean wanted to make that go away and instead of fighting him, he let the soppy douche in his mind take over. Peace fell over him as he let himself feel what he had been burying.

"What I mean is.." Dean moved closer to the angel.

Cas looked almost pained at the proximity, "Dean…"

"Yes, Cas?"

"We talked about this?" Cas added, "Personal space?"

"Did we?" Dean asked, moving closer.

His smile turned flirtatious for a second and then serious again.

"I'm not a coward Cas. I don't run, except from myself and I'm so tired of it. I can't run from myself any more… and I can't let you run from me either," he was an inch away.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas looked confused. There was a quiet desperation lingering under the surface of the question.

"I'm going to kiss you now, is that okay?" Dean asked terrified that he'd made a mistake, what if Cas couldn't forgive him?

"Alright, Dean," Cas replied.

Easy and trusting like Dean was asking him to go for a walk. Like the past weeks hadn't happened. As if two minutes ago he wasn't threatening to leave. Simply forgiven, just like that.

The breath Dean took was long and shuddering. The lean in was longer. Their lips met with a soft and delicate touch. A perfect expression full of promise. Dean moved into Cas' arms and wrapped himself around the other man deepening the kiss. His tongue found the angels' and he felt like he was drowning. Their crush of bodies was interrupted by Sam's cough.

"Hey, Sammy," Dean said as he pulled away resting his head on Cas'.  
Sam grinned.

"I'm going to my room." Dean turned to walk away, he could felt Cas' shoulders sag. Disappointment flowed from him in waves. Dean realised it would take a while for Cas to trust him. To trust this and it was much lesser punishment than he deserved.

"Cas? You coming?" he asked the forlorn looking angel.  
The smile he received in response was like the sun had been flicked on. He heart glowed, happiness fluttered through.

"Yes, Dean. I'd like that"

Cas took his outstretched hand and followed him to the bedroom.

Dean's bed was a mess and he felt conscious of it for the first time ever. Cas pulled him into the room like it didn't matter to him at all. Tugging Cas' trench coat off was like peeling away years of want and need. Dean's skin ached as his blood pumped like a train through his body. Cas ripped Dean's shirt in two as Dean tugged at the buttons from his.

Their lips crashed together and the stubble caused a delicious friction on his skin.  
Cas sighed as his hands found Dean's shoulders and wrapped around them. Dean felt like he was on fire, his cock was a solid throbbing presence pressed against Cas' leg. He followed the line of his angel's neck, kissing as he undid Cas' slacks and letting his hard length fall free. No boxers, awesome.

Dean had no idea where this lust, this need had come from but he was shaking; trembling with it. Cas tugged at Dean's jeans, and he shed them quickly along with his boxers. The angel was brazen and fell backwards taking Dean with him onto the bed. Memories flashed, they had rolled around the bed like this before. They're kissed and touched, it'd never gone any further Cas wouldn't let it. Dean understood it. He'd not been himself and no matter how good he'd felt, how much Cas could feel the love, it hadn't been right. Now it was, it so was. Their naked bodies pressed together, creating a craving, one Dean had never thought possible. His heart pounded, trying to escape from his chest. Cas' fingers trailed over Dean's cock and he bucked. Holy shit.

Cas lay on his back underneath him, and Dean did the only thing he could think of at that moment. He took the angels hard shaft in his hand and lowered his mouth to it. As his lips touched the silken skin of Cas' cock, he shuddered again. His name was hissed through gritted teeth by the other man and nothing had ever been so perfect.  
Dean's nails grazed Cas' thighs as his tongue explored every hot throbbing inch, over and over. Cas clawed at Dean's shoulders, at his hair. Moaning sounds that screamed of previously unknown pleasure.

"Dean, I'm… oh god." Cas moaned upon release into Dean's waiting mouth.

Hips bucking, Dean took every drop and swallowed it without question. Then waited for Cas to recover, the view of Cas writing on the bed and twitching was a Dream. Grinning, he sat and propped his head on his arm then rested his hand on his angel's leg. Warmth filled him as he made his way up the bed to wrap Cas in his arms. As Cas settled into Dean's shoulder on his side of the bed. The side that Dean hadn't slept on since he'd banished him, he sighed contented.

His angel, yeah he liked the sound of that.


End file.
